I received a number of e-mails regarding my prior blog. People were eager to know what happened when I called my friend to follow up on my feelings regarding our interaction. I wondered what the intrigue was about. Did people want to know whether proactively approaching her was valuable and worth pursuing or were they interested because my open conclusion peaked their curiosity?
I recognized I felt the yearning to want to help others. I was hoping that those who read my blog took away something positive from it and were willing to entertain my recommendations and be more open in their current interpersonal relationships. My deep desire is that others learn and benefit from all the knowledge and experience that I’m fortunately privy to.
To have the opportunity to be emotionally touched and touch others in a deep fundamental way is a privilege — one I do not take for granted and am truly appreciative of. In the work I do I am exposed to so much deep pain and sorrow but I also have the opportunity to see incredible transformations and heartfelt commitment that people make toward living a more fulfilled and meaningful life. I get the chance to help guide them through their journeys.
I have the benefit of continuing to learn about myself through my own personal desire to enrich my life and the need to continually improve my clinical practice for the benefit of the patients I work with. I am invested in a lifelong learning process by continually challenging myself, enhancing my self-awareness, engaging in treatment trainings and workshops, and making a conscious effort to live life to the fullest by keenly taking in and being present with all that surrounds me with an expansive and curious lens.
I won’t leave you hanging, and yes, I will make the appeal that making a consorted effort to connect is worthwhile and typically effective. All is good with my friend. She explained that she thought I was just mentioning that I had feelings that got evoked and that from her perspective, I wasn’t ready to talk about them yet. She expected that if I were ready to talk then I would have just spoken and expressed my feelings openly.
From my point of view, I thought that me mentioning that I had negative feelings that I’m grappling with, that she would approach me, ask me more about how I was feeling and “get” that I wanted to speak. I was able to see where she was coming from and acknowledged that maybe the opposing parts of me, the side that wanted to speak and the other side that wanted to avoid, influenced the way in which I approached her.
We clarified the way we viewed things and I let her know that it is typically challenging for me to bring up uncomfortable feelings. If I in fact decide to, that she please seize the moment, understand that I want to speak, and approaching me in the moment is the way to go and what I really want. She said she would know better for the next time and will most definitely proactively engage me. I said I would also be cognizant to try to put it out there and challenge the side of me that wants so badly to avoid.
The interaction I described with my friend really speaks to teaching people how to treat you in order to facilitate your needs being met. I think we all make two inherent mistakes in our assumptions. For one, we expect that others “should” know how to treat us. The other is that we treat others in the way we want to be treated.
We are all uniquely different. This is represented in the way in which we generally function, cope, and communicate. We are forever changing and evolving and our lives are forever in flux. I still can’t believe that my three sons are leaving for sleep away camp on Sunday for a month and that I’ll have a quiet house with my husband, daughter and my two dogs. My life will vastly change from Sunday to Monday!
Because of all these changes happening continually, there is a need for us to be flexible in our expectations. We also need to be accepting of these changes because often they are inevitable and will happen whether or not we want it to or are ready for it.
We impact and are impacted by ourselves, others and the world at large. We conceptually understand that our lives are continually changing which requires flexibility in our approach to ourselves, others and the world at large but yet we still act and treat others with a set of expectations that at times are judgmental, rigid, inflexible, and unrealistic.
There are so many extraneous factors that impact us on a physiological, emotional and social level. Some we are in control of and some we are not. We impose our thoughts, feelings and values on others, expecting that they “should” get us and act in line with this knowledge about us. We are often left with frustration, anger and disappointment over our unmet needs because the person on the other end just didn’t get it right.
Because we are forever growing and changing, there is a need for us to teach others how to treat us at all points in our life as we evolve. I see this as a continual ongoing process. It is our responsibility to update others where we are at so they have a better idea about how to be more attentive and connected to us. If you think of it this way you will always expect to guide others where you are at and respectfully express what you need as opposed to expecting that they will instinctually know and get frustrated and disappointed when they don’t.
It greatly reduces my frustration, anger and/or disappointment to know that I have a responsibility and ability to assert myself and let others know when they did not meet me where I am at and need to be. If after expressing it, I discover that my needs are not in sync with the person at the other end, it provides me with room for discussion, compromise and an understanding of each other’s needs.
With the example I gave, I needed to guide my friend as to how I need to be supported. She wouldn’t inherently know because things could have changed for me between our last interaction and this one. I will also need to further re-assess my needs in future exchanges with her.
She knows generally what I expect of her and I know generally what to expect from her. Given this understanding, she can express, “I remember you saying that you wanted me to ask you more about how you’re feeling, I’m here to listen to you. Is that what you need from me now?” I can say, “The last time I needed to talk more, this time I need you to just be here with me. I prefer speaking more about this later on, I’m feeling too unsettled now.”
In order to teach people how to treat you, takes these things into consideration:
- Be aware of what your needs are in the moment. Think about what would be comforting to you and make the commitment that you want to facilitate connection;
- Expect that a person will most likely treat you in the way that he/she likes to be treated (i.e., if they like to be hugged when they are sad, they will most likely reach out to hug, If they like distance when they are sad, they are more likely to distance). That is their frame of reference and template. It typically isn’t anything personal or coming from a place where they are purposefully neglecting you. If you need something different, challenge yourself and express it in a way that the person can hear you. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll be in the same position and will continue not to get your needs met. The best thing that can happen is that you’ll feel heard, acknowledged and will be comforted;
- Set appropriate boundaries in your relationships and impose them when you need to. It sets a precedence in a relationship and lets the other person know what your core foundational needs are and ones you are not willing or able to compromise on (i.e., lying to one another, talking disrespectfully to each other, etc.);
- Communicating it is a way that the other person can hear you. Many people aggressively demand that their needs get met because they are fearful that they won’t and feel they are forced to impose them or are disappointed because they weren’t met and become angry. Ask for what you need in a respectful and thoughtful way. Recognize if this gets played out and recalibrate if there is a need to, and
- Use “I” statement as opposed to “you” statements and avoid blaming and being accusatory toward the other person. Use the four parts of the “I” statement when you are communicating: (a) When I wasn’t fully heard after I expressed that something was bothering me, (b) The effects were that I went to bed having all of this on my mind and slept restlessly, (c) I felt sad and lonely, and (d) I prefer if you would check in on me because most often, I really do want to speak if I bring it up.
Using these skills have not always been the case for me and does not necessarily come easily to me. Just in the last several years, I have committed to working really hard at initiating and maintaining relationships that are reciprocal and built on mutual respect and open communication. My relationships are deeper, more meaningful and enrich my life. It feels so good to know that when I lifted that phone to call my friend that I would be wholeheartedly received and that there would be a working through which I felt confident that we were both capable of and deserving of.
