I spent last weekend away camping with a number of families from my community. I had the opportunity to rough it out with no cellular coverage, no PC and the serenity of the great outdoors. With all the beauty that nature had to offer, it also afforded me time to reflect and contemplate how I had been functioning and evaluate my needs. I was flooded with emotions and realized that besides feeling driven and productive; I was also feeling overwhelmed. I yearned to have more time with my family and recognized that times such as these were just not enough. I also recognized that I was feeling less connected and engaged with my husband which evoked sadness because that was not in line with how I wanted to function and with the values I hold in such high regard.
We were out socializing with the adults and engaged in an ice breaker activity. At the end of it, one of my closest friends approached me and asked how I was doing. I decided to be honest instead of giving a pat answer and expressing that I was okay when I really wasn’t. I remarked that I wasn’t feeling all that good and that I had a lot on my mind which was making me feel overwhelmed. She acknowledged that she heard me and followed up by saying it had been a long week for her and that she was tired and needed to get sleep. She left soon after to go back to her cabin.
My mind was shuffling a mile a minute. I thought, “If it were me, even if I felt tired, would I have retired for the night, given that my friend opened up and possibly needed to express herself?” “Was it “right” for me to express that to her, given I noted that she was tired and there was less of a chance that I would be attended to and might put her in an uncomfortable position?” and “Did I really want to speak about it at all, did I set myself up to be disappointed by bringing it up toward the tail end of the evening, when everyone was tired?” Maybe there was a part of me that wanted to talk and another part that wanted to avoid speaking.
I also started to think about her and what the best way would be to approach her if I wanted her full attention and wanted to speak about my feelings. I had always been very straightforward with her and let her know I needed her to listen to me. That always seemed to be the best approach with her.
I have yet to revisit it with her but will when I feel I could have the time to express myself and she has the time to attend to me. I am choosing to reserve judgment on why I was not attended to that evening. I choose to believe that she was exhausted, was not fully able to take in what I said and if she had, she would have most definitely addressed it with me because she wholeheartedly cares and is concerned about me. I will check in with her to test this hypothesis. I will inquire with her in a non-judgmental, non-confrontative way with the openness to see my part in the interaction.
My mind goes there too, sitting wounded with negativity and insecurity about my friend and our friendship. It wants me to believe that I was ignored and under-valued. My mind always goes there to protect me. To remind me that I do not want to be “treated” that way and that I need to assert myself in order to be treated in a dignified way. It protects me all the time, even when I do not need protecting. It fluctuates between genuine openness and genuine rigidity and inflexibility. If I actually got caught up in that “protective” dialogue, my judgments would be many and my defensiveness would lead me to be angry, disappointed and disapproving. I would act on it and my friendship would pay the price.
Because our minds relentlessly try to protect us, we are apt to formatively go to that negative place. Most of us loop into a spiral of “what ifs”, “shoulds” and avoidance. We try to avoid the confrontation we are expecting, the disappointment that we feel is inevitable and question whether we should or shouldn’t be thinking and feeling the way in which we are that perpetuates our self-doubt and shame. To work through this requires a willingness to self-reflect even if it evokes uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and problem solving skills to muddle through all the mind looping.
Seeing an interaction from a genuinely open and expansive place requires an assessment of the following questions:
- What is the foundation of your relationship with the person (i.e., do you truly trust them, care about them, want them to be part of your life, etc.)?
- No one person in our life can meet all of our needs. Do you generally feel like your relationship is based on general equality, mutual respect and a give and take?
- Is this circumstance in line with the way the person traditionally acts toward you? If yes, what does that say about the relationship? If no, is there another way to explain the interaction?
- Does the intensity of the emotions that are coming up for you match up with the current situation? Is it more intense than you may expect or warrant for a situation like this?
- What is your core belief(s) (ineffectiveness, unlovability and/or hopelessness)? Is it tapping into these? Is this more about what it being triggered within you rather than what is going on in the current situation?
- If you were to see this in an expansive open way, are there other ways to explain what had happened?
- If you were to broach it with the person, can you approach it in an open way without accusing them, getting defensive and a willingness to explain yourself and hear all that they want and have to say?
- In your opinion, is this person safe, approachable and a relationship that is important to you?
- If it is, are you willing to take risk in an effort to gain a greater understanding about yourself, that person and the relationship?
- If it is not, are you willing to see the relationship for truly what it is and make choices based on that understanding?
When thinking about me approaching my friend, I recognize my resistance. I also recognize the risk that is inherent in speaking with her. I feel concern that she won’t understand where I’m coming from and won’t want to listen to me. I have the fear that I’ll be left feeling the same way I am now even if I put myself out there. I ask myself, what is the worst thing that can happen? This question centers me. The worst thing that can happen is that I will not be understood. The best thing that can happen is that I will be understood and my relationship can be deepened. The worst thing that could happen does not leave me in any worse off position than I currently am in. This is typically the case.
In the end I know it can deepen the relationship and we could walk away learning and understanding more about each other. I have also evolved. I want more deep enriching relationships, ones where I can genuinely be myself and have true connections with individuals who are capable of these types of relationships. I think this way because I feel I have value and am willing to put myself out there to prove that notion and connect with others that meet my foundational needs. I continue to challenge myself, even when I do not feel like I want to. When my body, mind and thinking tells me to avoid, that is a cue to me to challenge myself and to approach my fears. Here I go, picking up the phone to call my friend….
