Through my nonprofit foundation “Thru My Eyes” where we create at no cost living legacies for individuals who are chronically medically ill, I had the opportunity to videotape a 42 year old man who lives in CA and was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He was creating the video for his wife and two children ages 7 & 4. With modernized technology we were fortunately able to conduct the interview via Skype which allows us to service individuals remotely across the country.
I am always so appreciative to have the time to listen and support individuals through this process. I feel so privileged that someone takes the energy and time to share intimate details of their lives and deep seeded thoughts and feelings regarding their development, education, employment history, interpersonal relationships and family life. Individuals share about how they view their history, their perspectives on life, the journey through their illness, and what they wish for their family members.
I always leave these interviews with an array of feelings, gravitating between deep empathy and sadness for the individual and their family and sincere appreciation for life and the powerful reminder of how fragile and precious each moment is.
Each person’s history and story is unique and how they wish to conduct the interview (i.e., alone, with a family member present, etc.) and convey sentiments to their family members (i.e., speaking directly into the camera to each of them, talking about them, etc.) varies. I get a clear depiction of the person’s accomplishments, their regrets, the complexities of their interpersonal relationships, and the values that are meaningful to them.
I listened to this man speak and I wanted to share some of his words of wisdom. They are all things that we undoubtedly know but unfortunately often do not carry out or ponder enough about because of the fast pace and rigorous lives in which we all live.
I am fortunate that by the very nature of work that I do that I am consistently reminded of these virtues. Even with the reminder, I find that the sentiments can be fleeting once I am in the throes of my own personal life. I have to make a concerted effort to be mindful and hold onto the gratitude. At the end of each day I grant myself a moment of silence and ponder about what were moments that nurtured me throughout the day and what I feel grateful for.
I was moved to tears when he spoke of how he had “been cheated in life.” He would be denied the opportunity to watch his children grow older and felt deep sorrow for his parents who were going to lose their son prematurely and “out of sync” as to how things naturally happen. He spoke as to how the succession of feelings led to his anger which he was regretful and sorrowful for having.
He also spoke to what he referred to as the “silver lining” related to his illness. He appreciated how present and attentive he has been with his family. That those moments are free of any distractions and focused solely on connecting with them in a deep and meaningful way. He said prior to his illness this had not always been the case and since being diagnosed his priorities have vastly changed.
I asked what messages he hoped would get across to his children, ones that they can envelope and carry on with them in the course of their lives. He shared several sentiments. He wished that they and others:
- Always be honest with yourself. He explained that we can never run away from who we are because no matter where we run, we still remain with ourselves.
- Always evaluate your priorities. In the scheme of life we get caught up and sometimes regrettably we miss out on the beauty of life.
- We have control over few things. Always make adjustments as we need to and when we need to.
- Always learn. Never stop the process of learning about whatever it is that interests you. Find and thrive from the passion within.
- Gain confidence however you can. Self-love and a strong core perpetuates others responding favorably toward you.
- Work on important relationships. It is not enough to love someone, find attributes that you “like” about them. Make efforts to “love” and “like” meaningful people in your life.
- Be kind and thoughtful for no reason at all.
He explained that he does not know how much longer he will live but plans on noticing and observing it all because he wants to truly take in every moment of every day. When I hear those words, which I often do from individuals who are dying, it has such a profound impact on me.
I strive to conduct my sessions with my clients with the precepts of mindfulness. I focus them on noticing, observing and attempting to reserve criticism, judgment and negative evaluation of themselves and others.
Just today, I did an exercise with a client illustrating how to integrate mindfulness in her daily practice. She noticed that she was considerably more disparaging about herself than she wanted to be.
I asked her to stand in front of the mirror I had on my wall. I first asked her to look at herself for a minute or two and just notice what was coming up and let it freely come up, not try to change it, judge it or struggle with it but just notice it.
Then I directed her to different parts of her face and to mindfully observe each feature. I asked her that if she was going to a critical, judgmental place that she notice that and then she return back to just observing those features.
For example, if she were judging her nose as large and unattractive that she just observe her nose as having a bump on the bridge without attaching negative judgment to it and just staying with the observation.
When we processed it, she readily disclosed that she was thinking about the astringent she needed to buy because her face broke out and that her hair looked messy which she was displeased with. When she was asked to just observe, she recounted how challenging that was because she was prompted to judge each feature and go into problem solving mode about how to fix and change those “unfavorable” features. She also recalled how uncomfortable it was to forcibly look at herself head on in the way that I asked her to. These exercises typically evoke strong feelings.
I am not alone in wanting a life in which I can be keenly aware of all that I’m surrounded by and appreciate all that life has to offer. I don’t want a tragedy to remind me of this. When I am challenged with my thoughts and feelings leading me to an anxious place and being worried that “I can’t” I take it as a cue to move forward. I savor these moments because they are personally empowering and inspiring. How will you try to challenge yourself to be in the moment?
