I’m headed back from my vacation and can’t help but reflect how what a relief it has been to be in denial mode for these past nine days. Just what the doctor ordered, literally. It was strongly recommended to me by my therapist that I cease from watching CNN and the BBC channels when I was away and in general.
I became fixated with “needing” a play by play account of the world’s atrocities; being witness to those who were suffering. To me, it’s so eerily reminiscent of what happened only approximately 70 years ago to my own grandparents who lived through the holocaust. They experienced and witnessed gas chambers (AKA crematoriums), concentration camps, starvation, physical violence, and other horrific acts of unforgivable trauma. I miss my grandfathers’ immensely but in an odd way I’m happy that they don’t have to bear witness to all that’s going on. I imagine they would be glued to social media as well and inevitably get re-traumatized. How could they not.
These days, unfortunately there are many people suffering. Just the other day the beheading of journalists went viral. More violence than I can recall or maybe more than I was personally aware of. It also hits close to home because I have close friends are relatives that are personally impacted and are living day to day with striving to survive these traumas. I feel personally invested on a deep level.
The feeling of hopelessness is constant because all I keep thinking about is how I can personally help, how can I make an impact, what can one person do and will it really amount to anything and matter? These questions loom in my mind. When I brought this up to my husband, he responded by saying that he can honestly understand why some people elect not to bring children into this scary and unsafe world. What a loaded statement I thought. I chose not to respond but just think about it.
Yes, there’s a part of me that feels that there’s too much for them to contend with and I constantly fear their safety but I can’t reconcile the “what if.” I know if I became fixated on that I would live with my family in solitude because there is much that is out of our control. I choose not to live in a perpetual state of fear. I try to remain hopeful that things will change, that people will suffer less, and that “good” will prevail over “evil.”
I do think about my personal responsibility in it all and conveying that responsibility to my children in a fundamental and meaningful way. I think about ways to instill care, compassion and advocacy in them. It’s obvious that the “intension of doing” is not as powerful or as helpful as the actual “act of doing.”
The practice of care and compassion in children should be reinforced so that it becomes habitual and instinctual. This stresses the need to teach children these values from when they are born so that it becomes innate. It mimics what we do when we teach them about the things we value and want for them to value as well. This includes the values of personal hygiene, health, traditions, etc. It takes mindful and concerted effort to fortify these values.
The ways to accomplish teaching the value of compassion and advocacy include:
- Modeling respectful behavior toward others. Children learn and mimic the behavior of their parents. If it expected that children exemplify compassion and care they must observe that type of behavior from their parents to others and from their parents to them personally.
I constantly update my children on my foundation work and other charitable organization I’m involved with. When appropriate, I give them tasks to do to assist me with the work that I’m doing. I convey the process to them and the direct results of their help.
- Acts of kindness and care should be an ongoing activity carried out by children on a daily/weekly basis. Going to a charity function once a year or once every six months is not enough to teach these core values. Otherwise children identify or link the charity happening at a certain time or event. For example, if every Christmas/Chanukah a family goes to a soup kitchen to help out, children view Christmas/Chanukah as a distinct time of helping and do not necessarily transfer the need to help at other times/occasions.
- Do caring things that entail projects being carried out from beginning to end so that they can appreciate the process of giving. For example, every Friday have children take 1/3 (or any other identified amount) from their allowance to put in a charity box. Save that money up for eight weeks and go with them to purchase a toy. Follow-up with bringing them to a children’s hospital or daycare center to donate that toy.
Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a leading parenting expert and author suggests splitting the funds in four ways: save, spend, donate and invest. A percentage of the overall amount can be put aside for each of them. At the end of each month they can select an organization or cause that they feel is meaningful to each of them and donate and learn the value of saving and investing as well.
- Empower children to select causes that they personally feel passionate toward or can relate to. This will enable them to feel like they made the choice and have a personal investment in achieving charitable goals. Involving them instills further motivation, dedication and desire to help.
Some examples could include when children have birthday parties, instead of them getting a plethora of random gifts of which half barely get touched, ask guests to donate a dollar amount of their choice that they are comfortable with. Let them know that a half or third of it, whatever you’re comfortable with, will be donated to a charity that your child selected and the other half or third will go toward purchasing one memorable gift that your child selects.
- Teach them the value of being empathetic. Make it a point to discuss with them how they feel about various interactions, actions, and circumstances that they are confronted with. Also ask how they think another person may feel – suggest that they “put themselves in another person’s shoes.” If they are not able to get there independently, make connections for them so that they can internalize how what they say and do makes an incredible impact on others (both for the positive and negative).
With gaining compassion for other individuals it helps to also foster self-compassion and the ability to be sensitive, caring and compassionate toward one’s self. They are better able to appreciate human frailty, vulnerability and our basic human needs.
Last year for my son’s Bar Mitzvah I helped him research organizations that served youth and acclimated sports into their programs. He elected to collect new and gently used sports equipment to donate to The Boys & Girls Club. After he received the items, he personally brought them there and gave it to them. During the summers, he volunteers there and plays with children using the very equipment he helped to donate.
Initially when we speak about him volunteering, I get the typical rolling of the eyes teenage response and him suggesting that he did it the prior year and that he has other things that he wants to do. I review with him our fundamental responsibility to give back to the community and assisting others in need as a moral, ethical and personal responsibility.
When he is volunteering, I initiate conversations with him about his experiences there. What I got back from our conversations is that it helped him on so many levels and created awareness about diversity, mutual respect, working with persons of authority and respecting and appreciating difference.
These lessons are invaluable. Talking about them is just not as powerful as first-hand experience. I made that happen because it was important to me and inevitably became important to him. Compassion and empathy is not inherent; it can be fostered and fortified with meaningful effort.
