I was sitting with a client who just returned from college to spend the Summer at home. She described the first semester of her sophomore year being challenging socially and the second semester being increasingly more challenging. She described how her drinking took a turn for the worse and she found herself blacking out more often. She was concerned with how her peers were perceiving her and noted their judgment toward her. I asked her how “she” felt about her drinking. She remarked that she was feeling fine with the extent to which she was drinking and what really impacted her was being “that girl” who her friends were judging and criticizing. She was even more disappointed that she couldn’t hold her alcohol as well as her friends were while they were “pre-gaming” (getting drunk before going out drinking) and afterward.
She already heard repeatedly about the danger she was putting herself in. I decided I wouldn’t be yet another maternal figure reminding her. She was attending an Ivy League university so intellect or ability were clearly not an issue for her. She also fully knew that her behavior put her in a position which made her vulnerable to judgment and criticism. When describing her social challenges she recalled a situation where her roommate/best friend came back to the room with someone she knew that she didn’t like and after being asked, wouldn’t leave and allow her to go to sleep. We talked about her response to the situation which included her not saying anything in the moment but her plan to “get back” at her at some other point so that her friend knew that she would stick up for herself and wouldn’t be perceived as “weak.”
I probed her about her definition of “weak” which resulted in her looking at weakness as “with equality” and in a manner in which she wasn’t acting on an even playing field and pushing her weight just as her roommate had done. In general her perception was that if she were to show weakness, she would undoubtedly lose the respect of her peers and inevitably be treated differently/negatively. I asked if she ever acted from a place of integrity rather from a place of fear of weakness and rejection and she asked what that would look like.
I find that people vary in how they define weakness in regard to their interpersonal relationships and the way in which they define it strongly impacts on how they act and react in their interactions. I find that I am continually challenged to think about how I want to behave in a way that facilitates my personal integrity.
I remember it being a considerably hot day and I took my two oldest children to a water park. It was lunch time and we headed to the area where they sold food and had vendors. We stopped to get them some pizza and when I saw an open table, I asked them to sit at it and reserve the space so that I can go get the food.
I came back from getting the food and a woman who had two children with her loudly and obnoxiously started screaming at me that I took the bench that she had first and that my family needed to get up immediately. Internally it felt personal; I wanted to yell back and even louder than she had. I wanted to let her know that I wasn’t going to take her crap and convey that she should stop acting so irrationally, especially in front of the children. I felt like I wanted to put her in her place and then intimidate her by sending her the message that she is out of control and could use some guidance with her parenting skills. I recognized that emotionally I would have experienced my own weakness if I were to relent to her because her acting out would be condoned and I was going to model to my children passivity when I try so hard to convey the value of asserting themselves and their needs. I knew very well that I can be intimidating, a personal challenge at times; I just had to decide whether or not I was choosing to be.
I decided to act from a place of integrity within the realm of being the “best” me and who I want to be. I spoke gently and lovingly to the other mother. I said, “I hear that you’re upset and disappointed that I took the seat you had reserved for your children. I hope you can realize that I would not have intentionally done that. Given how important it is that our children have a place to sit I would hope that you can see me as more considerate. I’m sorry that you don’t.” The look on her face was priceless. She didn’t know how to react to me and was confused by my kindness. In her mind she was ready for a good fight. She was probably used to people yelling back because she prompted that defensive reaction. If she perceives people as being deserving of being yelled at; defensive reactions to her by others, reinforces her need to fight and protect herself from others. I wanted no part in that.
She looked bewildered, said she was sorry that she has to work on reacting differently and started explaining that it had been a long stressful day with her children and that she was feeling overwhelmed. I suggested that all the children can share the table and that we can stand and that there was a beautiful day before us that we can still take advantage of and enjoy.
If I was to react in the way I was prompted, to avert my “weakness”, I would have sat with the frustration throughout the day, perseverating about the incident and recounting what I said, could have said, would have said, and wanted to say, and would have felt shameful that I could not control my own anger. Also that I acted like her, behavior I did not want to associate myself with. I would have also questioned how my children processed the whole thing and would have been shameful that I did not model for them patience, empathy and frustration tolerance. I know that it would have played out that way based on past experience!
It was a wonderful learning moment for my children. I asked them what would have happened if I would have yelled back, where it would have gone, what feelings would have been evoked, etc. We talked about what I would have been left with and how I would have seen myself. Lessons that are more powerful and in line with personal integrity and mindfulness.
When you are confronted with personal anger or an individual reacting angrily to you, you get to decide how you prefer to act and react. Always ask the question whether it is in line with your integrity and who you want to be. Ask yourself:
- What do your interpersonal relationships mean to you?
- Is it more important to be “right” or “strong” than to maintain connection?
- What does personal integrity mean to you? Based on what personal values?
- What does it mean to be the best you? How do you prefer to be seen?
- How do you want to be remembered by others? By your children?
- Anger breeds anger. Overtime, do you want to be angry more or angry less?
I told a similar story to my client about an incident I had with a woman the week before. She said she didn’t think she could entertain acting or reacting the way I was suggesting because she was confident how her friend would react back to her. I asked if she ever changed it up before. She said no. I challenged her on how she would know how her friend would react if she never tried it before. She smirked. I brought to her attention that what she was doing was not working and leaving her feeling disappointed in herself and in the relationships she found herself in. So much so that she was spending her time with me talking about it. She looked up at me and said, “Now I need to think about despite how well I or my friends can or cannot hold our alcohol, whether my behavior is in line with my personal integrity.” I smirked. I think she got it.
