I have been thinking about the nuances of the way in which we communicate and how what we say can support others or cause them distress. It’s so easy to miss the boat and overlook someone’s needs, even if that isn’t the intention. It’s the “action” that counts, rather than the “intention.” These tips can be helpful and cut across ALL relationships.
There are things that keep us from communicating. From my experience both personally and professionally with my patients, I hear most often, “I didn’t know what to say”, “I don’t want to upset them”, “I don’t want to put something in their mind that might not be there”, and “I don’t feel comfortable talking about my feelings.” These are the most common concerns and barriers. Prompted from these thoughts tend to be residual guilt, shame, fear, frustration, disappointment and sadness.
There isn’t a universal template for empathic communication and we often learn by experience or modeling from those around us, of whom may or may not be savvy communicators themselves.
There’s a recent example that stands out for me that exemplifies a circumstance when communication was paramount and impactful. When I was on vacation, my daughter was almost trampled by an excited crowd of people trying to board a train. She got a scrape on her leg and was traumatized by the hoard of people rushing toward her pinning her up against the door of the train. It was terrifying for us all.
She was anxious and tearful throughout the train ride. I’m fortunately trained in EMDR, a trauma based method of treatment. I administered a technique for stress reduction from my tool bag of skills and spoke to her about how she was feeling and thinking. All she could relate to me was that there was pain in her leg and kept saying, “My leg hurts. Those people really hurt me.”
Given the extent of the scrape on her leg, I knew that it wouldn’t warrant such extensive distress on her part. I knew there had to be more. I thought about what wasn’t being communicated to me because she might not either be aware of it, developmentally mature enough to get in touch with it or articulate it or feel reluctant to express something that was uncomfortable, gruesome and/or scary to her.
I said to her, “When all those people came at you, were you scared they would hurt you and that you would die?” She quickly responded yes. We spoke about how scary it is to confront that thought, how even if we think it, that it doesn’t mean it’s going to truly happen based on the situation and that sometimes we’re going to get really scared and there are ways we could remind ourselves that we’re okay and could be thankful that we’re okay.
I could see the relief she felt when I connected those thoughts to the feelings she was having. I found myself being uncomfortable about even uttering those words. The idea of her potential death was horrific. As uncomfortable as it was for me, I needed to express them because it was going on for her whether she or I liked it or not. I wasn’t putting thoughts in her mind that she didn’t already have. I just allowed her to put it out there so I could support her through them. She said she was fearful of going to sleep because of anticipating bad dreams. She ended up sleeping restfully and peacefully through the night. She was able to ventilate and be supported which reduced her anxiety.
General Communication Tips Applicable To All Relationships:
If someone reaches out and expresses distress of any kind; that generally means that they want to speak about what they are presenting you with. It’s best to approach them rather quickly while the iron is hot. If you don’t you run the risk of them not approaching you again and not feeling attended to.
People will generally provide cues if they don’t want to speak. They may outright say that they don’t want to talk or may avoid communication with you on all levels (phone, e-mail, text, etc.). Respect those boundaries.
Be sure to ask them if you can re-connect with them at a later date. If they agree, give them a time frame when you can get a hold of them (typically within two or three days). Make sure you follow-up when you say you will. Whether they agree to re-connect or not, let them know that you’re available to them when they are ready and feel like speaking no matter when they feel like it now or in the future.
You’re not expected to know what to say because you’re not them. You treat people how you like to be treated and what they need is probably different than what you may need. Put it out there and express that you don’t know what to do and say to support them and ask them what they need from you.
People think how they think and feel how they feel. You’re not transposing anything that isn’t already there. Particularly with children, help them to make connections between their thoughts and feelings by providing options and directly asking them what fits.
Ask people how they are. It’s as simple as that. I knew a woman who was caretaking for her mother and when I approached her she told story after story about her mother. I stopped her and asked her “how are you?” She burst into tears and said that she was rarely ever asked that.
Don’t EVER say you know how someone thinks or feels. Don’t assume that you know how someone thinks or feels, even if you experienced similar circumstances. Every circumstance can be different and every reaction to the circumstance can be different too.
Be cautious not to relate your own personal story too early on. We do this to normalize things for the other person and to be able to relate to their story. Often the focus turns onto you and leaves them behind. People are talking because they want to be heard. Hear them out and then relate with mindfulness and purpose. Always bring the conversation full circle checking back in with them.
Just listen. Most people just want to be heard, they don’t want to be questioned or reveal details of their circumstance. To some this feels like an interrogation. When speaking with a patient who lost her son, she said the greatest comfort she received were those individuals who didn’t say a word and just listened intently.
When You Speak About Your Needs And /Or Feelings:
A. Organize your thoughts before speaking.
B. Speak their language (i.e., if they intellectualize speak from an intellectual point of view, if they tend to get defensive, know the things that get them defensive and talk to them sensitively about those topics).
C. Practice what you are going to say and think of them as a friend and someone who cares about you and wants the best for you as opposed to as the enemy who wants to harm you. Keep in mind that people will react to you based on how they interpret what you are saying whether you intended it that way or not. Be in touch with your capacity to be or become defensive. Avoid acting out defensively and taking things personally. Stay on the trajectory of mindfully expressing your thoughts and feelings.
D. Remember always address whatever you are unhappy with early — before it builds up inside and you are more likely to raise your voice, express yourself with judgment and anger, and are less likely to listen to what they have to say.
E. Speak clearly, avoid using jargon and be very specific about what you are referring to.
F. Use “I” statements not accusatory “you” statements. This conveys judgment and disapproval. A “you” statement does not communicate a feeling but conveys a belief about the other person. They will be less likely to listen/hear what you are saying.
G. Use the four parts of the “I” statement when you are communicating. (a) When you…., (b) The effects are…., (c) I feel…., and (d) I prefer if….
H. When you speak always start out by accentuating the positive and reinforcing positive behaviors and attributes – they will be more open and inclined to listen to you.
I. Talk specifically about his observations and behaviors and detail specific changes you want to see being made.
J. Convey a trusting, caring, and empathetic tone so that they will be more inclined to want to express themselves (and will feel that you care about their feelings/needs as well).
K. Be conscientious of when you speak to the person. Express yourself when there is real opportunity to have dialogue not when you’re half listening and trying to manage other things at the same time.
L. Be sure that your desires/requests are realistic, feasible, and manageable and check in to see how they feel about these desires/requests.
M. Be a positive role model and be conscientious of all the things you are asking them to pay attention to. Make it a point to “practice what you preach.”
N. Last but not least, make sure to always give compliments and praise and express appreciation when it is due. They are probably a well-intended person and deserves to hear this so the times when you are asking for things or negotiating with them it won’t seem so daunting.
Another story I wanted to convey is about a patient who regretted not saying goodbye to their cousin who prematurely died of pancreatic cancer. She said she tried to pick up the phone several times but never followed through. She said she didn’t want to upset her cousin, didn’t know what to say and didn’t feel comfortable expressing her feelings because she made it a point to avoid getting in touch with and expressing intimate feeling that made her vulnerable.
She was riddled with sadness and guilt about her decision to not speak, to deny offering support and saying goodbye to him before he died.
Through this experience she learned that he was “upset” about his illness whether she spoke to him about it or not and that if he didn’t want to speak about it, she could have given him the opportunity to exercise that right which she would have given him permission for. Also, that even though she was uncomfortable that she could have still chosen to express herself. She recognized that she would choose to do so in the future.
She also learned that committing to a life of open and intimate communication and connection, her core values, would also require her to be open to potentially experience discomfort, rejection, fear, etc. In the end, being vulnerable was far more worth it to her than being cut off emotionally and interpersonally.
Communication is a gift we are given that fosters intimacy in a relationship. We have to trust in ourselves, learn skills to effectively communicate and gain confidence to reach out to others and show that we care. We also need to trust that others will inform us of when they need us close or need some space. We have to give them and ourselves that opportunity. We ALL deserve it.
