I was on the phone with my son, and after being asked by him, shared the news that I received another rejection from an editorial board because they did not want to take a chance on a topic that has not been written about before. This morning was rough for me. I have worked tirelessly for eight months, writing and revising my proposal in an attempt to get my message out but to no avail. I was hitting barrier after barrier tapping into my feelings of frustration, fear and disappointment.
This has been quite the challenge for me. Not feeling I had much control over my family life growing up, I put much of my efforts in controlling whatever I actually could and exceled in the areas I decided I wanted to. I have a limited memory of my formative academic history. The parts I do remember is an overall sense of feeling lost. I did not feel like it was worth putting effort into because there was the chance that I would be uprooted and did not want to attach to anything and be left longing and experiencing disappointment. I never wanted to get too comfortable or too settled. I became masterful at protecting myself. It served me well during that period of time.
Those defenses we craftily use during childhood do not work quite in the same way as we mature into adulthood. Yet despite its ineffectiveness, we are drawn to it, rely on it, and convince ourselves that we “still” need them in order to protect ourselves. Our mind is forever invested in a mission to protect us. We have to be revel at its relentless and perseverance.
Our dear children who are witness to and observe our behavior also acquire what we model for them. Inclusive in this is our mannerisms and body language, the way in which we communicate, the way we judge/evaluate/criticize ourselves and others, manage our feelings, and behave. We create our mini me’s. Much to be responsible for and aware of.
After relaying my disappointment to my son he remarked that I am strong, will get through this disappointment and that things will come around if I continue to work hard. I could not help but chuckle. I was hearing myself echoed in his sentiments. I laid down with my daughter to put her to bed, she said, “I love you in my heart and in my head. I am a lucky girl to have a mommy like you.” I broke into another smile. Again, mimicking my words, but now they were directed at me. Those are the moments I feel like I have served them well. I feel proud of the mini me’s I created. This is not the case all the time but I sure do appreciate when it serves me well.
There are other moments when my defenses rise to the surface and I regress to my formative ways of coping. I shut out, tune out and feel like I am trapped in my own head with thoughts fluttering and wanting to just throw my hands up and numb every part of my body.
This disappointment was leading me to “that” place. I did not want to see anyone, speak to anyone and receive any comfort or support. My mind was being discouraging and disparaging; leading me to believe that it is not worth it and that I should just give up. I knew that my feelings of discomfort would draw me into a place of becoming hypercritical. I was drawn to my go to place inclusive of my “old” set of beliefs; that no one would know how to support me. If they did, it was not going to be to my satisfaction and I was doomed to be disappointed. I fiercely felt it in my body. I was headed in that direction.
I also took a step back and contemplated how my reaction and actions based on this experience would help contribute to creating my mini me’s. I thought, when disappointment comes my children’s way, how would I prefer that they handle it? By acting out? By avoiding or denying their thoughts and feelings? By looking at their experience unilaterally without appreciation of who they are and where they came from and are going? The answers were emphatically “no.”
Although profoundly declaring my disappointment and how I was feeling, I also shared with my sons how life is full of challenges for all of us collectively and that we have to expect it to be that way. I expressed that the true growth is how we work through our challenges and even within the adversity that we continue to believe in ourselves and take action to move toward what is so meaningful to us. If it were not so meaningful it would not impact us in such an intensely disappointing way. It is the chance we take on when we dedicate ourselves to something important to us.
My friend asked me the other day, in a state of such intense feeling how do you maintain being mindful and not get triggered and become reactive? The key to creating your mini me’s from a place of integrity and conscious intent is to fully commit and engage in self-awareness, personal compassion and acceptance, gain an understanding of our critical values and learn effective problem solving. I could write a whole book on each of these but I’ll explain them briefly, offer questions to contemplate and expand on each in future posts.
Fully committing and engaging in self-awareness, personal acceptance and compassion would include an evaluation of:
- Your strengths and challenges,
- The core beliefs you hold about yourself (are they wrapped up in ineffectiveness, unlovability and/or hopelessness),
- How you view/experience yourself and others (including your expectations, your ”shoulds”, judgments, criticisms, etc.),
- What negative self-statements you tend to make about yourself,
- Whether you fully accept and have compassion for all parts of you, even the less favorable attributes, and
- What is getting in the way of the personal acceptance and compassion?
An understanding of your critical values requires an overview of what is most meaningful to you and drives you. It is how you define living your life on purpose with a sense of purpose. I always ask my clients if they want to just exist or live and whether they are experiencing feeling alive. That typically spurs a tremendous amount of feeling from them.
Problem solving is proactively and mindfully thinking about options and the advantage and disadvantage of the options you are afforded with. Integrating a mindfulness practice means taking the time on a daily basis to just be and observe with intent the things that surrounds you. I have my phone alarm go off several times a day to remind me to take those few moments.
Every day I practice the skills I teach. They have become habitual because my practice became a philosophical and behavioral shift. I predict, plan, and put into action things that I know will be challenging for me. I know my general patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. I am open if something different and new shows up. I approach it with curiosity and am aware and am conscious to reserve my judgment and criticisms. I don’t deny my impulses, hide from them, or avoid them. I lean into my feelings, observe them, and revel at my humanness at the same time I stay on my toes and remind myself how important it is for me to remain value driven and live my life on purpose. I don’t know about you but I want a hand at creating my mini me’s and facilitating their compassion, kindness and care. It is empowering to know that we can all commit to making this effort by starting from within.
