Dede & Her Daughter
I just had 30 people over for Sabbath dinner to celebrate my son and his friends moving up from elementary school to middle school. It was so heartwarming to see the group of boys together, their interactions and the pure joy they experience by just being with one another. I couldn’t help but think about all that I’m thankful for and how fortunate I am to be part of such a wonderful community of families. The connection moves me.
I was propelled into thinking about all that I do to foster family connection and why it is fundamentally so important to me. I know my history drives me but my passion sustains me. I was disenfranchised in my childhood and never quite felt like I had my feet planted firmly on the ground. With my parents divorcing when I was three and wandering through six different elementary schools, I never quite knew what to expect. Most of my life followed that trajectory because of my enduring unstable family life. As far back as I can remember, very early in my life, I took a vow to create a family of my own and give back to others in ways that are meaningful and enriching.
I am constantly asked what led me to the idea of creating Thru My Eyes. I wanted to share the story behind it because in my experience, it often inspires people to find purpose and take action on behalf of their passions.
I met 40 year old Dede at the gym I attend. Her blazing blue eyes (thus the name “Thru My Eyes”) and beautiful red hair were striking. After my exercise regimen I was standing at the mirror getting ready for work. We got into conversation about children and I expressed that I had four children and she disclosed that she had a daughter who was seven at the time. Through our encounters at the mirror she eventually shared that she always dreamt of having many children but because of her bout with breast cancer and her extensive treatment, at the time, she accepted that she would remain childless. She described her daughter as being her “true miracle” because she and her doctors believed she would never conceive. She expressed how thankful she was to be in remission and spoke of her journey of discovery and evolution toward committing to live a present and purposeful life.
Approximately a year later, we stood by the mirror and she shared with me the facts about how the cancer had returned and she was receiving aggressive treatment and understood that she was “in the fight” of her life. My heart sank. I watched as her hair fell out, she became progressively weaker and eventually could not make it to the gym any longer. A fighter she was. She worked out until she absolutely couldn’t anymore. I once asked her, how do you do it and muster up enough strength to come to the gym and remain so generous and positive. I’ll never forget her answer; it is forever burnished in my mind. She said during her last bout of cancer that she made the decision to live every moment of the rest of her life with appreciation and joy and planned to carry that out no matter what her demise. I marveled at her courage and motivation.
Further along in her illness, she approached me about wanting to videotape herself discussing important milestones for her daughter so that she could be left with anecdotes and critical lessons for life. She asked if she can consult with me about developmentally appropriate topics to cover. I helped her come up with a structure from which she wanted to be videotaped.
A few women at the gym did research on where they might offer such a service. At Sloan Kettering they had a videographer who came to the hospital only if a patient requested it. They had to be videotaped at the hospital, they had to pay for it and they would be videotaped without any support or guidance. A few friends chipped in and we were able to get the videographer to come to Dede’s house to videotape.
Out of this experience I was committed to making this service for families readily available, effortless, supportive and empowering. I felt it should be offered at no cost so that all families, despite their socioeconomic status can benefit, that families that are already incurring substantial financial stress do not have to be burdened with this additional expense, that it should be accomplished in the comfort of a person’s home to preserve their dignity and integrity and that a licensed mental health professional should be present throughout the taping so that they can offer emotional support and provide a script from which to guide the interview that was based on the topics they personally selected to discuss.
I was a woman on a mission. I felt driven and passionate and went on a journey to find the right person to partner with who could help push this agenda forward. I was introduced to Carri whose husband was a partner at a large law firm. She was a breast cancer survivor herself so she had great passion for the cause. She had good contacts because of her having gone through the illness and was actively involved in the Komen Foundation so she understood the nuances of non-profit organizations. It was a good fit and one thing led to another where her husband’s firm took us on pro bono and we created a 501c3 organization that has been fully operational since 2010. Recently, we added an additional service which allows families to take video footage of their family’s interactions for a month which we then edit into the final video.
I have gratitude that Dede had the opportunity to witness the initial growth of the organization and that we continue to provide this service to families to enrich their lives through such a traumatic and challenging time.
I felt powerless and asked Dede what I can do for her to help her cope as best as possible. She sadly expressed that she had always been a stay at home mother and she had no awareness about looking for a babysitter or hiring one. I committed to her that I would take that responsibility on. I sought out and interviewed babysitters on her behalf and introduced her and her family to a few viable candidates. They eventually chose one, hired her and she remained with them for approximately three years. I felt pleased that I was able to help her in a significant way.
The other questions I always get asked is how did you do it? How did you carry your idea through? The feedback I can offer to move a project forward is:
- Select a platform that you are passionate about; something that truly moves you;
- Think about where you see your idea going, what would your mission be and what results would you like to see accomplished;
- If you are willing to include a partner, seek out someone who has a similar drive, passion for the platform and one who can lend to you accomplishing what it is that you want to accomplish;
- Compartmentalize how you will accomplish your goals and objectives and come up with realistic and doable tasks to help you move forward;
- Be flexible on making amendments to your mission and goals. They often change as you go through the process and conceptualize how you envision your goals;
- Stick with it. The red tape and bureaucracy can be frustrating. Expect that there may be challenging moments along the way, commit to action despite the challenges, and
- Acknowledge small accomplishments as you go through the process. It helps to boost self-confidence and keep you motivated along the way.
I appreciate that I am able to give back. Words cannot truly describe the experience of conducting interviews where people are sharing the most intimate details of their extraordinary lives.
Examples of these moments include when I was videotaping a 30 year old man and his children arrived home earlier than expected and his one year old daughter walked in front of us and it was her first steps. The look on his face was priceless and we were able to capture it and edit it into his video. Another example was when a 37 year old woman spoke directly into the camera and reassured her young son that he does not need to be concerned about forgetting her because he has this video footage which he could watch as often as he wanted to. Another instance was when a couple stopped the taping and took a moment to embrace and sobbed lovingly in each other’s arms. I cried with them. What a gift of appreciation I am afforded with.
