We don’t often contemplate how we approach our relationships. Is it with openness and enthusiasm, reluctance and precipitory anxiety or in some other way? The way in which we approach our relationships impacts on the behavior we exhibit while we are in the relationship and the perception we give off to the person we are directly relating to.
I have numerous clients come to see me because they are feeling stuck in their relationships. They want a quick fix to become more engaging or sociable or speak about how others are at fault for the dissatisfaction in their relationships. We spend time on evaluating how they see themselves in context of their relationships. We review how they think and feel regarding their relationships in general, how they communicate and express themselves, what their body language conveys, how they deal with dissatisfaction and conflict and whether or not they get their needs met and what gets in the way of that getting facilitated.
Sometimes people have good self-awareness and are on the mark, yet at other times, what they articulate is in contradiction with what I hear and whom I see before me. I use devices such as a wall mirror to point out facial expression and engageability. I marvel at how once they “get” how they are approaching their relationships, they become keenly more aware, more introspective and more mindful.
I had a client I worked with that became angry when his friends didn’t behave the “right” way. He constantly found himself disappointed because of the injustice of people not communicating and behaving the way he thought they should. I asked him how his “rightness” served him. I had him write the word “right” on a piece of paper, look at it and describe how it made him feel to be right. He cited feeling strong, powerful and in control. I had him put the paper with the word right on it directly up to his face and to continue to interact with me. He struggled, as he couldn’t see me due to this imposed barrier. Metaphorically he understood that he couldn’t see ahead of himself. His relationships were blocked because of the chronic divide between himself and others. We worked on how he could expand, be curious and be inclusive of the thoughts and opinions of others.
Approach Relationships With:
(1) An awareness of your relationship history and know your preexisting challenges. We all have a relationship history — whether it is with our immediate family, friends or others. It is an imprint as to how we approach our world. It directly impacts on how we approach our relationships and the way we trust, connect and allow ourselves to be intimate. From the onset, we have “expectations” about how our relationships will evolve.
The only way to shift those notions is to challenge ourselves in the present day to be open and allow for change to occur. We also have to be open to looking at ourselves introspectively and seeing our part in what has not or is not working. Re-learning new behaviors and formulating relationships is a concerted commitment of time and effort. Putting in purposeful effort until change occurs is critical.
(2) An openness to getting in touch with the plethora of feelings a relationship brings up and the behavior it is prompting. While putting in effort there is bound to be an array of feelings that will be evoked including fear, sadness, rejection, neglect, sadness, frustration, etc. The key is to accept any and all feelings because they may be part of the process that facilitates change. For example, I always share with my clients, “if you are not in the business of feeling rejection, don’t bother being in relationships. It’s part of the deal.” We all feel rejection at one time or another and it is something we need to accept if we want to invest in relationships.
(3) Being aware and letting go of labels/notions/assertions. Notice that these labels, notions and assertions are typically charged with emotional reactivity of yourself and the person you are interacting with. That makes sense because the label becomes central and we lose tenderness for the human being we are interacting with. The label is not the issue, it is more about what it is loaded with. Having an assertion about someone makes it impossible to truly “see” them. We also tend to perceive their behavior in absolutes. We tell ourselves that they “always” and “never” behave that way and that it is counter to the way in which they “should” or we “want” them to behave.
You get to decide how you want to act based on this reactivity. There is no better example than when you meet someone new and you instantly have negative feelings toward them. Often it is even before they open their mouth to speak to you. There is something about their mannerisms or the way they are presenting themselves to you that evokes strong negative emotions. The natural explanation is you have already sized them up as having certain qualities or characteristics that you dislike or do not approve of. This is true for all of us and an example we collectively can relate to.
(4) Curiosity. Approach relationships with inquisitiveness and as an ongoing creative process. This way, you will most likely investigate and ask questions rather than pre-judge the behavior of others. You will take the time and patience to entertain a different way of relating that is more in the realm of who you want to be. Generally that includes being accepting, non-judgmental, and kind within the personal values that you prescribe to.
(5) A core series of values. Being aware of your core values will drive your behavior in interpersonal relationships. If you approach “all” of your relationships with your set of values it will be irrespective of who you are relating to and what they evoke in you. For example, even if a stranger approaches you with aggressive behavior, you will react to them the same as you do to everyone else. Instead of hyper-focusing on their irritability, you will concentrate on your ability to be non-judgmental and kind even when facing a person’s aggression and acting-out behavior.
(6) The sense that it is a gift to work through your old pre-existing triggers, labels, habits and finding new space and openness. It is committing to walking through life with curiosity and fluidity rather than with rigidity and becoming fixated and stagnant. It allows for contemplation and greater room for empathy, understanding and care. If we allow for our automatic response (i.e., frustration, anger, irritability, etc.) to be evoked by these triggers, labels and habits, it just strengthens our preexisting propensity and perpetuates our behavior (i.e., yelling, avoiding, withholding, etc.).
We are always evolving as we age. Our emotions, thoughts and actions are continually in flux throughout our maturation in the context of relationships. According to a study conducted at MIT in 2005, the adult brain cells or neurons change structures in response to new experiences. There is a need for curiosity so that we are always growing and learning throughout our changes and transitions. We do not know what will arise for us due to the uncertainties of life. If we create space and openness for learning, growing, and transitions in our relationships then changes are embraced and not dreaded.
Our values can also trip us up in how we react in our relationships. For example, when a close friend of mine moved out of state this Summer, I was deeply saddened and disappointed. I was initially attached to my values of adventure, spontaneity and risk-taking and “expected” my friend to approach her transition in the way I “might” or thought she “should.” Where she was at, understandably impacted how she approached her transition, including the way she behaved toward me.
While I was aware of the disappointing thoughts and feelings it prompted in me, I approached her with care and curiosity. She readily shared how she felt about moving and further expressed what she needed from me. I was able to hold on to my sadness and also offer support and gets my needs met through our connection and understanding.
Relationships can be challenging but are also extremely self-enriching. They require effort, maintenance and care throughout the “creative process.” Giving of ourselves with openness and curiosity enhances our ability to connect to others. It is well worth feeling accepted and being heard and understood. It is a basic human need we all have and continually strive for.
