I’m sitting at a two day conference on the topic of shame and self-loathing and the speaker spent time speaking about the role of attachment in regard to shame. Imagine spending a whole two days learning about shame! Does the word exhausting come to mind? Yes!
How apropos that Mother’s Day is coming upon us tomorrow. It’s really getting me to think about how I see myself as a mother and whether I effectively foster my children’s self-compassion. I realize by speaking about this that I would have to say that it is one of the most critical ways in which I evaluate my parenting because it’s so incredibly important to me. My objective used to be that my children morphed into intelligent, well-mannered, ethical, and social human beings. All of those characteristics are still very important to me. I added something that I find is even more important and inevitably impacts and is the foundation for all of those things. I wish for my children that they have self-compassion and a sense of personal value.
I think about what that truly means to me and how I define this for myself and for my children. I strive for them to have a keen sense of self-awareness and be accepting for who they fundamentally are, that includes ALL parts of themselves, that they have a locus of control and believe if they put effort into something that’s important to them that they will get something out of it, that they are able to have the ability to look at things in a curious, open, and flexible way and are open to others points of view, that they assert their needs, feel entitled to be treated with dignity and respect, and recognize that happiness comes from within as opposed to outside of themselves.
We are all challenged in some way, including myself and my children. Their challenges are not solely due to me. Sometimes it’s in spite of me, sometimes it’s just because of who they are which I have to be accepting of, despite how frustrating, disappointing and triggering to my own stuff it can be. I can’t just own and take responsibility for when they are delightful, respectful and connected but also when their less favorable and challenging sides show up.
If I really want to foster their self-esteem and sense of self-worth I need to be accepting and connected to all parts of them. Those uncomfortable feelings most definitely show up for me and I’m prompted to take action based on those feelings. They are so visceral. I experience wanting to yell, scream and belittle them. Sometimes I want to hurt back because I feel injured – either neglected, disrespected, put upon and/or unappreciated. Sometimes all of those feelings all in one!
The pain comes from wanting all of that from them, my most prized possessions, who I gave birth to, yearning for them to love me back unconditionally, which I feel I’m deserving of. All I want from them is love and there are times that I don’t get it in return. I recognize it isn’t personal because they are intending to injure me or don’t recognize me or aren’t considerate of my feelings. It can be some of that in the moment and is also much more than that. I’m considerate that we can all have a part in it. It’s me and my stuff, them and their stuff and the circumstances that we find ourselves in. I stop and think about that before I act on behalf of these conflictual feelings.
I acknowledge what it brings up in me, what I’m thinking, how I feel, and how I’m prompted to behave. I allow myself to be in touch with that vulnerable side of me and acknowledge the extent of my injury and where it comes from. I also acknowledge, which usually comes with discomfort and pain of how I want to behave based on my feelings. I sit with it and willingly accept where I’m coming from. I have learned to process this with curiosity and non-judgment. I feel empowered that I get to decide how I’ll behave. The beauty is that my thoughts and feelings don’t get to decide.
I remember putting my daughter to bed the other night. She was less than cooperative. She was winy, irritable and clingy. Just reflecting on it prompts uncomfortable feelings! I felt myself becoming irritated, frustrated, feeling intolerable and having the compulsion to want to muzzle her and get her to bed ASAP. I was thinking about how activated I was because of being tired after a full day of work and thinking about all that I still needed to do once she was asleep. I was aware of how sad I was that I couldn’t feel differently and how I wished I did and that I didn’t go to that place.
In my agony and rage, I realized that she missed me and didn’t know how to express it, that she was tired and that she wanted to challenge me so that I can prove to her that I’m fully and compassionately there for her. I decided that I would act in the way I wanted to be. I spoke sweetly and empathetically to her. I was patient and took the time I knew I didn’t have. I showered her with kindness and warmth and didn’t fight her or necessarily give in to her. I let her know I was there and can attend to her. She reacted in kind. It doesn’t always go this way but I typically walk away feeling empowered that I’m not swept away by my agonizing thoughts and feelings. I make every effort to act from a place of integrity, keeping their self-esteem and self-worth at the forefront of my mind.
I do get swept, just like everyone else. I’m okay with saying I’m sorry and identifying what I’m sorry for and I’m okay with being challenged. I want to model to them those similar sentiments. I will continue to be the best mother I can be, what I call the “good enough” mother. I truly feel blessed. I know Mother’s Day is a day that I’m selected to be honored but I feel so fortunate that I can afford my children the gift of accepting all that they are and that they can love me in kind unconditionally and lovingly for all that I am.
