Deeper communication involves going beyond surface-level interactions and engaging in conversations that foster trust, understanding, and connection. It’s about being present, listening actively, and sharing authentically. The objective is always to learn about and understand the other person in a deeper, more meaningful way.
For example, if you were discussing a film, you wouldn’t settle on speaking about the content but rather would be inquisitive about its meaning and what resonated with the other person. Deeper communication goes beyond exchanging information; it’s also about creating a sense of mutual understanding and empathy. It requires a willingness to be open, vulnerable, and attuned.
The Importance of Deeper Communication
There are two types of listening: “listening to understand” and “listening to respond” (Doell, 2003). People who listen to understand tend to have better interpersonal relationships and experience fewer misunderstandings.
Additionally, deeper communication can significantly impact our mental and emotional well-being. People who engage in substantive conversations report higher levels of happiness compared to those who stick to small talk (Mehl et al., 2010). Engaging in meaningful conversations can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation, promote empathy, and increase our overall sense of fulfillment.
Principles of deeper communication include elements such as active listening (giving the speaker your full attention and showing attentiveness and empathy), being focused and present, and reciprocity in conversation.
Here are nine practical tips to integrate that will deepen your communication:
1. Share vulnerably.
Be willing to share your genuine thoughts and feelings even when it’s uncomfortable. That includes sharing your authentic emotions and experiences, including elements about yourself that help others get to know you better. Be transparent about your history, beliefs, what inspires you, and what your passions are. When appropriate, sharing in a vulnerable way can create a sense of mutual understanding and connection.
According to Brené Brown, vulnerability is the key to building trust and deep connections. When we show up authentically, we give others permission to do the same, fostering an environment of openness and mutual respect (Brown, 2010).
2. Practice mindfulness in all aspects of your communication.
Before engaging in a conversation, take a few moments to ground yourself. Take deep breaths, focus on the present moment, and set an intention to be fully present in the interaction. Be engaged and mindful of your tone, your body language, your attunement, etc.
3. Understand their values and connect to your own.
Always seek to understand what’s important to the other person and what may negatively or positively trigger them by extrapolating their core values. Align with your values, which will lead you to having more thoughtful and caring interactions. This will potentially foster greater mutual understanding, fewer assumptions and judgments, and more compassion and empathy.
When you’re speaking to them, whether they have a negative or positive reaction to you, avoid focusing solely on the conversation’s content. For example, to understand them more intently, ask questions such as, “What was important about that for you?” “What got stirred up in you, and why do you think so?” or “What did that mean to you?”
4. Foster openness and safety.
Avoid asking “why” or “how” questions, as they can sometimes come across as accusatory or confrontative. Instead, default to asking more “what” or “please tell me more about…” questions, as they convey curiosity and care.
5. Test out your interpretations.
Utilize reflective listening by paraphrasing or mirroring what the other person stated to ensure that you understand it entirely and can correct any misinterpretations. Use sentences that begin with “What I hear you saying is…” or “Do I have this right…?” It’s also good practice to summarize what you inevitably understood to affirm its validity.
6. Exercise inquisitive substantiative questioning.
Effortfully and intentionally ask more substantiative questions to get to know others more deeply. For example, instead of asking, “How was your weekend?” Try asking, “What’s the most significant thing that happened to you all weekend?” or “Who did you enjoy interacting with this weekend and why?” People generally appreciate speaking about themselves and their experiences and feel noticed and accepted when you show interest in them.
7. Express empathy overtly.
As humans, we’re uniquely equipped for empathy with specialized neurons in the brain called mirror neurons. These neurons are activated when we encounter an emotional expression in another, often causing us to feel similar emotions. This capacity to express empathy from an encounter with the emotional experience of the other helps us bond and respond considerately to each other’s needs. For example, “When you expressed your feelings regarding your friend’s illness, it really touched me, and I feel deep empathy for what you’re going through. Please share with me how I can be supportive of your needs.”
8. Show gratitude when interacting.
We can show thoughtfulness and appreciation by directly and verbally expressing it. For example, when someone is following up with you about something you shared, take the time and effort to comment on it.
Before responding to what they are asking, first, take the time to be relational in the interaction. For example, you can say, “Thank you for remembering what I shared with you about my mother. It means a lot to me that you thought of me, remembered, and followed up with me about her.”
9. Speak directly about the relationship.
This tends to be challenging for some because of the degree of vulnerability it requires to put our feelings out there, with the risk that they won’t be accepted or reciprocated or we’ll be outright rejected. Consider using connective language when corresponding, such as “When we have these deep conversations, it makes me really appreciate you and our friendship” or “I really care about you, want to understand you better, and am here to listen to you.”
Deeper communication is a skill that requires practice, patience, and a genuine desire to connect, even when and if it’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable. We’re typically not formally taught skills for how to deepen our communication. By prioritizing how you communicate, you can foster more meaningful relationships in both your personal and professional life.
In a world filled with distractions, choosing to engage deeply with others is a powerful act that can enrich your life and strengthen your connections. So, the next time you engage in a conversation, pause, listen, and speak with intention. You may be surprised and elated at the depth of connection you can achieve.
To cultivate greater communication, listen to this Dropping Worries and Regrets Guided Meditation led by me. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel for more interviews and guided meditations.
Blog as published in Psychology Today.
